The Great Condom Connundrum

I came across an interesting bit of news today and it got me to thinking.

A football player at Purdue has been suspended indefinitely after getting busted for shoplifting, now I know that bit of news in itself is not out of the ordinary, however we was busted for stealing…

A BOX OF CONDOMS!

HA HA HA HA HA HA

That makes the story instantly hilarious, perhaps the lad was so nervous at purchasing said box of jimmy’s that we opted to try and pilfer them instead.

I got me to thinking about the concept of getting nervous when laying down some green for the box of rubbers.

I will admit that at times in my life, the act of shopping for prophylactics was a nerve racking experience.

In fact, the first time I ever bought condoms, I grabbed them and tried to leave so fast that I forgot got my change. This of course caused the nice clerk to call after me, completely destroying my supposed subterfuge.

That said, it didn’t take long to come to terms with the act, and there were two major points of realization that helped the process. (Both would be great advice for the downtrodden young man at Purdue):

1. 1. THEY KEEP YOU FROM GETTING THE GIRL PREGNANT (MOST OF THE TIME):

When I was in college the student health department would give out free condoms. It was truly fantastic, they would have a grand selection of any kind of condom you wanted, in little zip-loc bags for the choosing.

One day I was at said health department picking up a little bag o magic when the woman behind the counter said to me and my two friends: “As a mother of a teenage daughter I really am thankful to see you boys using protection.”

It was such a brilliant statement that I never forgot it, and really drove home point one home, especially since it could have been me nailing her teenage daughter (THESE ARE JOKES FOLKS, JUUUUUST JOKES).

But seriously folks, I am not sure at this point if I am ever going to be a father. I don’t even have a pet for fear I would feed it beer and teach it to smoke for my own enjoyment, so I don’t need a little doppelganger running around anytime soon.

2. 2. IT’S PROOF YOU ARE GETTING LAID!

This concept is better driven home when your checker du jour is a man, but I guess it works when it’s a woman helping you out too. (Granted I find myself timing the women I buy them from just to see how fast they shove said raincoats into a bag.)

My best experience with this was a few months back.

A girl I was seeing was coming over for dinner that evening so I hit the grocery store to get fixins, including a box of love just in case…ya know…shit got smooooth.

Anywho, later on, said girl and I realized we had forgotten something and returned to the same store.

When we grabbed what we needed and turned for the checkout I saw that the same checker-dude was still at his post. I couldn’t help myself.

There was a look of approval and we again went through his line that I’m sure only Men can share. (Yeah I know I’m a pig, sue me)

Once I matured and came to these terms it opened up a whole new world for me. Now buying condoms has become a fantastic sociological experiment.

Like the aforementioned bag race, I love watching and gauging the reactions of the store clerks when I come through the line.

It’s possibly one of the more fun things you can do at a store.

Hell I go buy them when I don’t even need them because it’s fun to indirectly screw with people.

(Who am I kidding? I never DON’T NEED THEM! Ooowwww….right?...right?...ok I’m just pathetic)

So where am I going with all of this?

Let us not look down upon this unfortunate young man; his heart was in the right place. It’s just that the execution was waaaaay off.

Man up son! Thrown those little helpers down on the counter and pull your wallet out like a man, give that knowing glance to the clerk and walk out with pride.

It’s better than needing to come back for pampers, or god forbid, topical cremes from the pharmacy!

And in this guys case, it's a helluva lot better than jail, suspension and nationwide humiliation!